Looking back at my past

I've been thinking about relationships more nowadays and thinking about what I've dealt with in relationships to get to the point I'm at right now. I feel like up until I was about 19/20 I never took any guy serious and why would I, I used them for what I wanted and moved on. It may sound heartless but that was the mind set at the time. It was simple and quite easy for me because I was never attached and it was only what I wanted and on my terms so I felt in total control of the situation. Back in high school while everyone was running around claiming they wanted a boyfriend, I wasn't even thinking about that shit. I viewed relationships as a major headache and quite frankly a big ass waste of time.
 

And then things changed. 19/20 that's when things really began to change for me, I met Mr. L.I. and he was my first ever crush. There was something about him and he sang me a song and I was head over heels...oh to be young a dumb. Things began between us on the low and it the beginning that was the exciting part of the whole thing. Even the beginning should have been a red flag to me. He didn’t even tell me he had a girlfriend, when he did I backed up but once he didn’t have a girlfriend anymore I let the other stuff go. My other mistake was not backing away from the situation once I started to catch feelings. But he didn’t help matters either by throwing around the L word and reeling me in, I would have respected him more if he just said looking I don’t want to be in a relationship and im out doing me. But most men are never that honest, why would they be he was getting what he wanted from me and then out doing whatever. When I look back I always ask myself why in the hell did I even put up with a man who had a million reasons why he couldn’t be in a relationship and the truth is I was clouded by my extreme like for this man. The person who wanted to always be in control couldn't even control herself or her feelings. The moment I realized I was one of many, is the moment my heart shattered. Somewhere along the way I lost that control and that my friend is when the real feelings came into play and I got my little heart broken, was I mad at him? hell yeah but I realize now he only did what I allowed him to do. When they say losing your first love is hard, man tell me about it that shit was like hell. And to me I think I took it extra hard because I had absolutely no control over anything not even my tears. That first week I was crushed, I always had a wall up when it came to dudes and he was the first person to bring that wall down and he fucked me over. Things didn’t get better but a funny thing happened no more than a week later he was claiming he was ready to be in a relationship with someone else. Trust me that was another blow but it really opened my eyes to some things that he couldn’t possibly be “in love” he was just going through the motions and I needed to back up entirely. Even after and all the crap he was pushing for the next 3 months I never looked back and allowed myself to get sucked back into that vortex where I was good enough to mess with but not good enough to date. If I could go back and talk to my former self in the beginning of this "relationship" i would tell myself to never settle for less than what you deserve. Also if a man wants to be with you he will, he won't need to give you a million reasons as to why he isnt ready at the moment. I explain that whole relationship because it had A LOT to do with the next relationship…

The “relationship” if you will even call it that started out weird. When I first met him I thought he was kinda weird because he came on the date wearing gloves...my friends re-named him "the glove", and I did what most men hate I went on dates with him even though I really wasn't interested in the beginning, not because he was a bad guy but because I still wasn't over my previous situation. That Janet Jackson song "thinkin' about my ex" summed up the beginning of that relationship...I mean looking back I made some really poor choices, like pushing the issue for us to become a couple in the beginning only because Mr. L.I. informed me he now had a girlfriend, and as I type this I'm like damn that's pathetic ciara, but hey it's real. And because of that, I feel I got what I deserved out of that relationship in a sense. He was just getting out of a relationship and me out of the above chaos, I think we were both in a bad place. When we first started out he wanted to be in a relationship and I kind of blew him off, so then we become friends and somehow then i wanted to be with him and that's how the cycle of our "relationship" went. Our relationship went like this we dated he asked me to make it official I said no, so we became friends. That lasted for two months then we were in a relationship. That relationship lasted 2 months then we broke up and then we became friends again for 3 months…then we got back together AGAIN!. Then we really become the living version of that oldie song “Make up to break up”, trust that was ALL we did. After the second time of getting back together didn’t work we were in rare form with the breaking up and getting it back on… we were back in a relationship then 3 weeks later what do you know we’re not. Then we wouldn’t take for a month then we would try to see how things may go, this went on for way to damn long. I was stuck in this stupid cycle of confusion and the best thing that could have happened to me was him leaving NY for a couple of months because although I knew I was done it was great not talking to him or dealing with him even if only as friends. When he came back he actually tried to claim he was in love with me and blah blah blah but the end of the day i wouldn't say we were in love. I would say we were two people that were in a bad place at the time who found each other and only made things worse. I also think we got back together to fuck the other person over, this is the vindictive and destructive cycle we created. And to this day I don’t fully understand what the hell I was thinking. It was a year and a half of just craziness but maybe at the time craziness helped me move on from Mr. LI, because I was so engulfed in the madness it was Mr. Li who?? So Mr. Rebound served his purpose, I just wish it would have been a better rebound situation.

I don’t regret either situation, do I wish things happened differently of course I do. I think both situations helped me grow up and firmly made me realize what I wanted out of a relationship. Before Mr. L.I. I wouldn't even hug a dude in public and I had this huge wall up and I didn't let anyone in, because of that he was always hold a special place in my heart. They say you’ll always remember your first love but they need to also add you will always remember your first crazy destructive is this love or are we just crazy also lol. From "Mr. Rebound" I learned to never bring your past baggage into your new relationship. You shouldn’t use someone as a rebound because the rebound can be worse than the situation you’re trying to get over. Would I want to do it over? Hell No! once is quite enough. From going through both situations As bad as I had it in my past situations I know people who have had it a hell of a lot harder and are still going through the shit. Complicated relationships are just not for me, I don't have the patience....I'm just happy that I can look back on those relationships and say thank god I'm not even dealing with that anymore. Life is all about moving forward...so I just took a moment to reflect on my past.