Looking back at my past

I've been thinking about relationships more nowadays and thinking about what I've dealt with in relationships to get to the point I'm at right now. I feel like up until I was about 19/20 I never took any guy serious and why would I, I used them for what I wanted and moved on. It may sound heartless but that was the mind set at the time. It was simple and quite easy for me because I was never attached and it was only what I wanted and on my terms so I felt in total control of the situation. Back in high school while everyone was running around claiming they wanted a boyfriend, I wasn't even thinking about that shit. I viewed relationships as a major headache and quite frankly a big ass waste of time.
 

And then things changed. 19/20 that's when things really began to change for me, I met Mr. L.I. and he was my first ever crush. There was something about him and he sang me a song and I was head over heels...oh to be young a dumb. Things began between us on the low and it the beginning that was the exciting part of the whole thing. Even the beginning should have been a red flag to me. He didn’t even tell me he had a girlfriend, when he did I backed up but once he didn’t have a girlfriend anymore I let the other stuff go. My other mistake was not backing away from the situation once I started to catch feelings. But he didn’t help matters either by throwing around the L word and reeling me in, I would have respected him more if he just said looking I don’t want to be in a relationship and im out doing me. But most men are never that honest, why would they be he was getting what he wanted from me and then out doing whatever. When I look back I always ask myself why in the hell did I even put up with a man who had a million reasons why he couldn’t be in a relationship and the truth is I was clouded by my extreme like for this man. The person who wanted to always be in control couldn't even control herself or her feelings. The moment I realized I was one of many, is the moment my heart shattered. Somewhere along the way I lost that control and that my friend is when the real feelings came into play and I got my little heart broken, was I mad at him? hell yeah but I realize now he only did what I allowed him to do. When they say losing your first love is hard, man tell me about it that shit was like hell. And to me I think I took it extra hard because I had absolutely no control over anything not even my tears. That first week I was crushed, I always had a wall up when it came to dudes and he was the first person to bring that wall down and he fucked me over. Things didn’t get better but a funny thing happened no more than a week later he was claiming he was ready to be in a relationship with someone else. Trust me that was another blow but it really opened my eyes to some things that he couldn’t possibly be “in love” he was just going through the motions and I needed to back up entirely. Even after and all the crap he was pushing for the next 3 months I never looked back and allowed myself to get sucked back into that vortex where I was good enough to mess with but not good enough to date. If I could go back and talk to my former self in the beginning of this "relationship" i would tell myself to never settle for less than what you deserve. Also if a man wants to be with you he will, he won't need to give you a million reasons as to why he isnt ready at the moment. I explain that whole relationship because it had A LOT to do with the next relationship…

The “relationship” if you will even call it that started out weird. When I first met him I thought he was kinda weird because he came on the date wearing gloves...my friends re-named him "the glove", and I did what most men hate I went on dates with him even though I really wasn't interested in the beginning, not because he was a bad guy but because I still wasn't over my previous situation. That Janet Jackson song "thinkin' about my ex" summed up the beginning of that relationship...I mean looking back I made some really poor choices, like pushing the issue for us to become a couple in the beginning only because Mr. L.I. informed me he now had a girlfriend, and as I type this I'm like damn that's pathetic ciara, but hey it's real. And because of that, I feel I got what I deserved out of that relationship in a sense. He was just getting out of a relationship and me out of the above chaos, I think we were both in a bad place. When we first started out he wanted to be in a relationship and I kind of blew him off, so then we become friends and somehow then i wanted to be with him and that's how the cycle of our "relationship" went. Our relationship went like this we dated he asked me to make it official I said no, so we became friends. That lasted for two months then we were in a relationship. That relationship lasted 2 months then we broke up and then we became friends again for 3 months…then we got back together AGAIN!. Then we really become the living version of that oldie song “Make up to break up”, trust that was ALL we did. After the second time of getting back together didn’t work we were in rare form with the breaking up and getting it back on… we were back in a relationship then 3 weeks later what do you know we’re not. Then we wouldn’t take for a month then we would try to see how things may go, this went on for way to damn long. I was stuck in this stupid cycle of confusion and the best thing that could have happened to me was him leaving NY for a couple of months because although I knew I was done it was great not talking to him or dealing with him even if only as friends. When he came back he actually tried to claim he was in love with me and blah blah blah but the end of the day i wouldn't say we were in love. I would say we were two people that were in a bad place at the time who found each other and only made things worse. I also think we got back together to fuck the other person over, this is the vindictive and destructive cycle we created. And to this day I don’t fully understand what the hell I was thinking. It was a year and a half of just craziness but maybe at the time craziness helped me move on from Mr. LI, because I was so engulfed in the madness it was Mr. Li who?? So Mr. Rebound served his purpose, I just wish it would have been a better rebound situation.

I don’t regret either situation, do I wish things happened differently of course I do. I think both situations helped me grow up and firmly made me realize what I wanted out of a relationship. Before Mr. L.I. I wouldn't even hug a dude in public and I had this huge wall up and I didn't let anyone in, because of that he was always hold a special place in my heart. They say you’ll always remember your first love but they need to also add you will always remember your first crazy destructive is this love or are we just crazy also lol. From "Mr. Rebound" I learned to never bring your past baggage into your new relationship. You shouldn’t use someone as a rebound because the rebound can be worse than the situation you’re trying to get over. Would I want to do it over? Hell No! once is quite enough. From going through both situations As bad as I had it in my past situations I know people who have had it a hell of a lot harder and are still going through the shit. Complicated relationships are just not for me, I don't have the patience....I'm just happy that I can look back on those relationships and say thank god I'm not even dealing with that anymore. Life is all about moving forward...so I just took a moment to reflect on my past.

life in Queens

It's been awhile since I decided to take the time out and write a blog, so much has been going on and I just never got around to writing it all down. So while I watch Iron Chef I figure this is the best time to put my thoughts out there.

We finally moved into the new apartment about two weeks ago which is exciting living on our own where we can do whatever we choose. It's kinda hard getting use to because I live in a neighborhood thats so unfamilar to me. I completely left my comfort zone of Brooklyn for Queens. So let's just cut to the drama, yesterday we are leaving out of the apartment to go walk the dog and what is on our door. A note written on a fucking paper towel that read "TURN YOUR TV DOWN" oh yeah n it was taped to the door. Now my first issue is did you really need to tape that on our fucking door, if you had an issue you could have A. Knocked on our door or B. slipped the note under our door...and my last issue is really on a paper towel, ur dumb ass doesnt have a piece of paper. Not sure which one of these fools wrote it because they didnt state who they were. Now I could understand if my T.V was blasting, the volume was on about 27 hell my T.V volume goes all the way up to 60. So in my opinion these neighbors can kiss our fucking ass, I wanted to write a note on my door to let them know not to leave another fucking note on this door...but brandon said I should let it go so I am...for now.

On to more productive things, the housewarming is in 2 weeks and im excited to have ppl over and finally let ppl see the apartment since only a handful of people have actually saw the apartment.

I know I'm jumping from thing to thing but whatever on to my own going issue/problem which is finding a job. I NEVER thought it would be this hard nor did I think I would have to take a job that doesn't even pay the same rate I made at RCN. I'm noticing I do get calls for interviews but its jobs that are crappy and pay crappy wages but what can you do, just have to suck it up and make the best of things I suppose. Have a job interview tomorrrow, so hopefully something good comes out of that...hell i just need something for the time being so I can than focus on finding something better while I make money now. My aunt called me again yesterday about becoming a teacher and as much as I truly HATE children I was actually considering it after I heard how much they make. Now I know its wrong but fuck it I need money and I wouldnt be the first teacher only working there for a paycheck. I'm trying to stay positive and sometimes I have really bad days but I'm hoping they will turn around and things can get back on track, until than I still keep fighting and applying because finding a job is a full time job.

Say goodbye to Brooklyn and HELLO to Queens...

I haven't been blogging much lately because there hasn't been to much going on that I felt I needed to write about. Truthfully the only reason I'm writing now is because I am wide awake and figured I mind as well. I would say my mood is happy/nervous when it comes to moving out in 2 weeks. I feel super nervous because this isn't the way I thought things would be and I thought/hoped I would be in a better financial state but hey I can only hope that things do turn around for me in the long run. On to the job front and still no luck, when on an interview last week and the job was horrible but most importantly the pay fucking sucked. I never thought it would this hard for a recent college student to actually find a job. And I will admit I have my days where I regret leaving my job to go back to school, and the more I am without a job the more I regret my decision. But at the end of the day regretting something doesn't truly change anything. I understand the economy is in the toilet right now but I'm need things to pick up ASAP. I've been applying my ass off to jobs and a couple of my friends are telling me I might have to lower my standard extremely and just take what I can get...but what can I say my pride gets in my way and I can't see myself working those types of jobs. When the subject even comes up all I can think of is "Is this what I put myself in debt for". Maybe that's the pride talking and my pride can get in my way big time, maybe I'm wrong and they are right but I just don't see it.

The last couple of days have been crazy, Brandon and I have been doing a lot of running around as far as this apartment thing goes. Can't wait to move but I'm not a Queens person but I am sure about to become one, never thought I would even live in Queens. I will say this tho I love the area and it seems quiet which is what I want. Looking for an apartment was a long process and time consuming. What I realize is that every agent/owner will try to make it seem like if you don't get this apt right now someone will take it because it's such a great deal. One man was hilarious, the apartment was about 15 or more blocks from my house which is basically a world apart lol. Anyway it was a 2 bedroom for 1250 which is a good deal in Brooklyn but now lets get to the negatives....I go into one of the bedrooms and look out the window and there are two men who appeared to be tipsy chilling leaning up on the mailbox, then across the street in front of the store there was a guy sitting on a crate. Oh I forgot one of the weirdest parts, so we get out the car and there are these people sitting in front of the building, and as soon as we park the car they stop talking and just stare at us. so the agent comes we walk towards the ppl to pass them and they are still staring as we walk in. So the agent forgets the keys to the apt in that particular building but the company also owned the one next door so we leave building A for B, and what do u know the people again stop talking and watch us walk to the building right next door, talk about EXTREMELY weird. So we are finally leaving building B and a tenant comes out and he appears anger as he walks to the front door, he opens it and what u know his family member is laid out in the front drunk out of his fucking mind, the tenant is cursing telling the FM to get in the house the FM is all out of it. So me and B walk pass them and so does the agent now this is what tripped us both out the agent didn't address the issue he just got into his car, I think he would have at least said something to us...nope. Oh and the drunk incident occurred at get this 4pm on a SUNDAY!!! We saw some horrible apts and some tat were nice but not worth the money they were asking for. I think we found a good one in Queens.

I'm far from cheesy but I never would have imagined this is where my life would be right now, I've been in a relationship for a yr and a half and I am about to move in with said boyfriend. I think its great the way things happen in life and how it throws you for surprising turns in life. I'm grateful that I met him and at the time I wasn't even looking for a relationship. At the time I was just getting over a bad situation that in some ways jaded my faith in people, well not people I should say men lol. I think even if you don't intent to, you can bring over baggage from a previous relationship and my situation wasn't any different, so it took awhile for me to trust him. But that saying "everything happens for a reason" is so true, I swear and and it took a bunch of things to happen for me to meet him and one was me realizing my old situation was old news and I needed to truly move on with my life and I have and I haven't looked back since. We work and that's not to say we don't get into heated arguments sometimes because we are both far from perfect and we had our ups and downs but hey cheesy and all we make it work. And that's not to brag or boost its just real and I'm lucky to have found someone who gets me. Okay I try to keep my cheesy moments like these to a minimum...The next time I write a blog I'll be in my new apartment, can't wait for the housewarming.

The return of the ex..

Every woman has had this experience where an ex from their past pops up out of the blue. I always wondered why men do this and I have some ideas but I have no insight into how men think. I always think its funny because the ex always comes back and they have had an Epiphany and realize they miss you or they really want to be with you. I realize women don't pop back up into their exes life after months. Men on the other hand will not speak to you for months or years than all of the sudden pop up. One of my theories on why men always do this when they are lonely, and I think loneliness turns into them trying to figure out why they are lonely. I think that's when they start going through the ex files and then hey try to see who they "think" they are suppose to be with. I truly feel like women don't pop back up in men lives because after a couple of months we are over it, we may try to get back at first but not months down the line. These epiphanies are hilarious because they seemingly come out of nowhere, it's like you haven't spoken to me in months and now you miss me lol. I also think it's easier to go back then to move forward so maybe that's why a ex will pop up. many people have been through it and it seems like they pop in and when they don't get the response they want they pop right back out of your life lol...but I thought you loved me lmao.

On another note I think you can be "friendly" with an ex but definitely not friends, I think that's a bit much. And by friendly I don't mean popping in and out trying to get into someones pants. I mean like I'll hit you up once in the blue and vice versa but nothing on some get back stuff. But I think that's hard to come by because it takes both parties to be on the same page and I think that's rare.

I read something on a friend's twitter page and it said "You will know that you love someone when you want him/her to be happy. Even if that means you're not a part of their happiness". I don't think I totally agree with that statement. I think whether people admit it or not they may want their ex to be happy but they want to be happier. Does that make you a bad person for feeling that way maybe but who cares lol. I mean you don't want your ex to be crying their eyes out but you want to be doing better or at least think your doing better. And maybe some people agree with that statement and maybe they are a better person than me and others.

I was talking to Brandon yesterday about breaks up and whats the standard amount of time someone should be sad about a breakup, he is one of the ppl that agreed with the statement above. And I had to poke holes all up in that argument. He said something should be in a slump for about a month, so than the questions reminds what if they are only sad for 2 weeks wouldn't that piss you off and he said yeah. So in my eyes no matter whether he wants to admit it or not he wants to be better off than the person he breaks up with. People want to think they can be highly righteous and noble but when it all boils down to it everyone is in a competition with their ex.

Okay I know a bunch of ramblings but if I can't do it here where can I...

How to be a good wife 1950 style

I'm actually starting to like my Health class, I know major shocker considering how much I complain on here about how I hate school lol. The health class is interesting its on violence and currently we are discussing domestic violence, and gender roles. We read an excerpt from an 1950's high school Home-ec book titled "How to be a good wife". When I first saw the excerpt title all I could think is you have got to be kidding me. The excerpt is basically a guideline for how society in 1950 's believed all women should behave in order to be a good wife. Since the excerpt is pretty long I'll just focus on the parts I found to be the most interesting.

• "Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is no the time. Let him talk first."
• "Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other pleasant entertainment."
• "Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before...This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs."

I have many issues with this "How to be a good wife" excerpt one of which is that it doesn't take into account that every women is different. Also if every women in this world were how the article suggested every women would be the same and I don't know how interesting the world would be if every women were the same. The excerpt failed to address womens needs and downplayed their importance. The article basically states that women are here to serve their man and her needs and wants aren't important.

On to "Checklist for choosing a mate", so the teacher gave everyone a checklist and the class had to pick out the characteristics that would want in a mate. After I filled out the checklist, I realized I picked a few things I wouldn't normally pick like friendly and sensitive lol. I picked 24 characteristics out of 42. I think we will never meet a mate that embodies every single one of the characteristics, however I do think people have a few characteristics that are a must. Out of the list of things I picked, the most important to me is sense of humor.

In class we has an interesting discussion on how violence in a relationship starts and how it doesn't start out with a slap to the face right off the back. A lot of people myself included when hearing about women who get abused, I would always say "I would never stay" or "I wouldn't put up with that." I think a lot of times we are on the outside looking in and we don't get their reasons for why they stay, only the person staying really understands. I think a lot of us don't take into account how hard is it to walk away from a relationship, for some people in an abusive relationship leaving might be just as hard as staying. The one thing I never understood about controlling people are what are they so scared of. It was interesting how the professor posed us question such as "lets say you always call your boyfriend on your way home from school and one day you forget because there is a shoe sale at the mall and you leave your phone in the car. You come back to your car and you have 10 missed calls, would you leave?" No one in the class said they would, I thought it was weird but not controlling. The professor basically went over how things start out great but how things slowly change over time and people can become more controlling. The professor was saying how when you first meet someone you are in the honeymoon phase so a lot of the things they do that may be red flags a lot of us would brush them off. It's interesting how controlling behavior can start out small and lead to something totally different. When people think of an abusive relationship we automatically assume someone is putting their hands on the person, but that's not always the case and words can cut as deep as a slap to the face.

One year strong

Had a great night yesterday it was so much fun, both Madame Tussuad's and Salute were great. I realized we take a ton of pictures after I uploaded the pics on Facebook last night and there were 120 pictures. I had a ball taking pictures with the different wax figures, can't you tell by the picture above. I was putting a hurting on that wax Elvis, he wasn't ready for it lol. From all the damn pictures we took you would think we were in the Wax museum for hours when we were only there for a little over a hour. I know I wanted to keep the blog cheesy free but it was such a great night because this is my first anniversary ever. But even though it took me awhile to reach this point, I'm happy because I met a great guy who treats me right and who could ask for more. He brings out my cheesier side lol. I got the Boondocks season 2 as my gift and I was surprised because I told him he didn't have to get me anything. I was glad Madame Tussuad's wasn't crowded last night since it was a Friday and it's on 42st so I went expecting a huge crowd. One thing I didn't like about the wax museum is that they charge 15 dollars to take a picture with the Obama wax figure, like what the hell. I didn't understand why I should have to pay more money, guess Madame Tussuad's is trying to capatlize off of Obama, they wont be the first company. Anyway, Madame Tussuad's now has this 4-D movie show and it was really good, never been to a 4-D movie and it was HOT!. You totally feel like you are inside of the film, wont give it away in case people go. Oh they also had a scary part of the attraction and man I'm a freaking punk, but most people who know me already know that lol. I was holding Brandon's arm the whole time like STAY CLOSE! shit was popping out of nowhere. Now onto the restaurant, it was soooooooooo good, not what I was expecting though because I was expecting Italian but it wasn't really that Italian. I picked the place because I know Brandon loves Italian but Salute never put it's Restaurant week menu on there website so I took a chance, we both still enjoyed the meal. But back to the meal, I got salmon and it came with green pea mashed potatoes, Brandon got the rack of lamb with mashed potatoes that had polenta in it, very different. I know that sounds weird but boy was it good and tasty. The dessert was good, we both finished it QUICK!. The waitstaff were super nice and attentive, the decor made it a good place to have a anniversary dinner. I wanted to take pictures inside but I felt it wasn't that type of place...and I take pictures everywhere I go for food especially at nice places. When I finally got home my feet were KILLING me, I guess its because I haven't wore these heels in a very long time and it was hard getting use to. When it was all said and done it was a great night and I wouldn't have wanted to spend it with anyone else :-)

New Blog...New Year...a NEW me

Okay so I decided to try the whole blogging thing again...maybe I'm up bored with nothing else to do. Tried the blogging thing before on a different site and all I did was complain about how bad things in my life were at the time not going for that vibe this time. I guess the site I chose to blog on the first time wasn't any good because when I try to go on their now my computer prevents me because the site has been reported as an attack site. So all those anger/pissed off post are gone and maybe that's a good thing...the past is the past.

Anyway on to other things I'm up all early because Demo(my dog) woke up at 6:30 this morning. Everyone who hears I have a dog and is shocked because I've never been a pet person but he is so cute and EXPENSIVE but we will leave that for later. Demo is probably the best Christmas gift I have ever gotten. People wanna know how I got the name Demo for him well I was in my boyfriend car driving home from the pet store. At first Brandon thought he got to name the dog and wanted to name him "ROCKY" (WHACK), my friend gave me the idea to pick something we both like and since we both like politics, I came up with Mr. Democrat and for short Demo. So that's the story behind the name.

I'm really enjoying this time out of school and I'm really proud of myself because I kicked ass this semester...3.28 GPA :-) My last semester is coming up and I want to have another good semester, I'm honestly ready to be done and to get a job and move out of my mother house. I have a goal to move no later than late July, maybe its unrealistic to some but who says having a goal is a bad thing. I think its time I live on my own well not on my own but time I move out of my mother house.

My one year anniversary is this month and I need some very very inexpensive idea for something for us to do, I have an idea in mind so we shall see. Time really flies by seems like I just met him yesterday but I promise to keep the cheesy stuff to a minimal.
In this biggest loser contest with my a bunch of people who ever loses the most weight wins the money and I can use the money. So its time to get on my grind day 2 of the diet challenge and I want to get back into doing Dance Dance Revolution in the morning and try to go to the gym more. My goal is 30 pounds in 3 months which I think is an achievable goal...I'll blog about my progress...wish me luck.

well I think that is it for now, I know I'm very boring nothing juicy or scandalous is going on lol